'I wish we'd been invaded by Toblerone.' by Kara
Monday, June 25, 2007 at 6:43 AM

Hey, Doctor Who fans ... havin' fun yet? Dayum -- ah, to live in a day and age when this show could come back with a budget and writers.

Also, to live in a day and age where I can see it a few hours after it's aired on BBC. John Simm is amazing in his role. I suggest seeing Life on Mars if you haven't already, to see why RTD chose him. (Friends and family will soon have copies thrust upon 'em.)

As with anything I talk about in this rantspace now, this leads me to a bit of a chat on the State of Fandom. Remember my talk last week about why I don't like it when shows I like get popular? This is sort of an extension of that.

Not long ago, I was asked to do a two-page spread for Stone Circle (which will be on sale starting in August or September) on old vs. new fandom. As you can probably surmise, I went nuts with this. But I was equal opportunity: I picked on both new fangirls and Whovian 'geezers.'

One of the things I addressed in my bit on fangirls is sex. Sex sex sexity sex sex. Because little fangirls today are goddamn nymphos. They are more fornicationally obsessed than a Catholic schoolgirl taking sex ed from a nun. Perhaps the virgin population is on the rise, in which case I'm going to start encouraging teenage promiscuity so I'll stop stumbling across Time Lord smutfic every time I try to enter into a discussion on last week's episode.

Now, with a character like Jack Harkness -- who is pretty much a walking orgy -- I can understand. Sure, he's actually become a fairly rounded character (thanks or possibly no thanks to Torchwood), but he will still hit on anything that breathes and try to give artificial respiration to anything that doesn't. That, I can understand.

But there is, believe it or not, a line between RTD's Gay Agenda* and squealy fangirls talking about 'the look they gave each other' and 'Whogasms' and 'Time Cocks' (I am not kidding). I can appreciate the humour value in some of that, but when they start taking it seriously -- when they rewatch scenes because they believe it offers solid proof that the Doctor and [the Master] (highlight for spoiler for Utopia on) want to screw each other senseless -- I start getting annoyed.

This is true, as was last week's rant, of any show: sci-fi, mainstream, anime, film, a-ny-thing. If two male characters are in each other's general vicinity, they want sex. If they are close with each other, that's proof. If they want each other dead, that's just sexual tension and denial of their true feelings -- that Fine Line Between Love and Hate. And if they're apathetic to each other, well, there's always a chance that'll change.

Every male character in anything is gay to these ladies. And I'm starting to believe they won't be able to enjoy a show unless they can justify two or more male characters in flagrante delicto.

I know that their behaviour shouldn't affect my like or dislike of a show ... but it's goddamn Spanky sitting at my table again.

I once went into a Hot Topic and bought a Pirates of the Caribbean shirt. When I brought it to the counter, the male clerk smirked at me, put on a squealy voice, and said, 'OooOOOOOOOO, Johnny Depp is sooooooo hawt!'

Jesus, dude. I know I'm female and look about 18 -- and maybe I'm with Yunmao Ayakawa when she said 'Johnny Depp ga daisuki!' because I have eyes and I'm not braindead -- but have you really encountered that maybe squeeing adolescents today that you're just prepped for picking on a lady like that?

Unfortunately, I can't really hold it against him, because the answer is probably 'yes.'

No longer can I say that, incidentally, Hugh Laurie has aged pretty damn well without me getting grouped with House/Wilson shippers. I do not want to see him have sex with Robert Sean Leonard, Jesse Spencer, or someone you pulled in from another series. I wanna watch my goddamn show.

Someone needs to tell these ladies that such things come ready-made. It's called gay porn, and I can hook you up with some dealers. It's a lot easier than making your own.

Or you could watch Torchwood.

If you have been, it ain't pretty.

* Did you know 'Mister Harold Saxon' is an anagram of 'Hormonal TARDIS Sex'? To fit this rant, I would normally say that the fangirls were going overboard ... but this is the kind of silly shit RTD would pull, so I'll let it slide.